11.16.2012

Guilty

As a first-time mom, I read loads of articles about the guilt of motherhood, how to deal/avoid/cope with it, etc. But nothing prepares me for the experience of guilt itself. Neurotic, for the most part, because any sane adult knows that in order to care for your child, you must take care of yourself first. You cannot give that which you don't have.

BabyLorp's nanny comes once a week to give me some relief: do grocery, cook, clean, rest and prepare for the whole week full of craziness. Even though BabyLorp is pre-verbal, I know he loves his nanny from the way he looks and clings at the gate by the stairs when the nanny left for the day, or by the way he hums to the tune of the songs that the nanny sings to him ad nauseam. But again, nothing prepares me for the big fat tears that roll on his cherub cheeks when I left him to take some time off for myself. It seems selfish to let your own child cry, left alone prying his clutching hands from mine and passing him to the nanny's arms so I can go to a coffee shop, read a bit, or, like I did yesterday, went to a day spa.

Now, the spa itself is actually a tiny basement consists of a whirlpool, a steam room, a dry sauna, and a couple of shower heads. One toilet separated only by a curtain means I'm crossing my fingers I won't need to do my business while I'm there. It is all-women spa, which means, you get in naked. The spa is barebone minimal that the only possible way for your mind to get anything more exciting than boring -- and thus defeat the purpose of coming to the spa -- is by comparing yourself to the naked ladies next to you. Non, pas moi, bien sûr! Besides, it was only me and another lady as I came in right during lunch time.

As I soaked into the hot tub, my mind slowed down, and two hours later, I emerged cherub-cheeked just like the baby, sans baby in my mind. That's right, the 2 hours (+ $15 entrance fee) that I spent was very well worth it.

The day ended as it was before: BabyLorp clutching to the baby gate near the stairs while the nanny left, sad or perhaps bewildered why the fun time is now over. And me? My reserve tank is fully refilled, ready to take on another week full of BabyLorp. I told you it is neurotic. And those of you seasoned moms will say, yeah yeah, you'll get over it.

By the way, they did play Billie Holiday in the spa.


2 comments:

  1. Oh :( I don't know what to say!!! *hugs*

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    Replies
    1. It's really cliche until you experienced it :-| Thanks for the hug, I can always use one.

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